This summer’s Fringe Festival spawned a plethora of funnies: here are the best of them according to the judges. Which do you like most? Did you hear a better one?
While Tim Vine’s *is* funny, my personal fav on this list is Gary Delaney’s at number 5.
1) Tim Vine “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
2) David Gibson “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
3) Emo Philips “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”
4) Jack Whitehall “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
5) Gary Delaney “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
6) John Bishop “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
7) Bo Burnham “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
8) Gary Delaney “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
9) Robert White “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.”
10) Gareth Richards “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”
And what about the worst? I think they’re as funny as the best.
Sara Pascoe “Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”
Sean Hughes “You know city-centre beat officers… Well are they police who rap?”
John Luke Roberts “I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.”
Emo Phillips “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
Bec Hill “Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.”
Dan Antopolski “How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.”